Today I am an emotional wreck. 

Nick told me about some mutual funds and I started tearing in his office...

I heard that Canon in D with the little kids singing in the Target parking lot and cried...

I just watched an episode of Grey's and a little girl died at the end and had the tears a'streamin...

I have zero motivation to pick up and clean and put together the disaster that is my entire house.  Instead I washed a load of towels and have been sitting on the couch staring at the tv for the last hour.  Shoot. 

I graduate tomorrow.  I should feel thrilled, but am just sad for some reason. 


Sheesh. 

I got a new dress, though, and my house is beginning to smell like Christmas :)

Merry Black Friday

I have to apologize.  I know you all went out shopping today on Black Friday and I just plum forgot to post my Christmas gift Wish List!  Whoopsies.. Never fear though, I have been assured the hot deals will only get hotter this month!  Speaking of being in the Christmas spirit like never before, I am feelin the Christmas spirit like never before!  Nick and I have our Christmas tree out and ready to decorate, Petee is wearing a little jingle bell on his neck and just jingle jangles everywhere he goes, and I have been drinking peppermint mochas like there is no tomorrow!  (Actually just three peppermint mochas this week, but with the addition of a coffee pot and the Coffeemate peppermint mocha creamer waiting for me at the grocery store, that number can only promise to go up!) 

Some of you little readers may have known me for awhile, and may remember my love of hosting Christmas (and other) parties, as well as that my dear, dear Maryland-dwelling bestest friend and I used to throw one heck of a sweet party every year!  We would make a cute little Christmassy craft, eat some delicious chili, and of course bake yummy treats!  I am thinking about reinstating the annual party.  I make a pretty good chili (combo Brown-Troutt chili, better every time Mr. B. and I make it) and well, I wonder if any friends would want to make a little craft?  Cutesie ornament or maybe the cookie/cake mix in a jar type of thing? 

Also.  I am for reals going to get in shape over the next four weeks.  I forgot I have to go to a wedding at the end of December and am going to want to look super foxy so my man can be proud of the hottie he married and is bringin home to meet old friends.  Maybe that is silly, but it is what it is!  And honestly, all I have got to fo to get the two of us back in shape is go back to the grocery store and cooking, and start working out a teensy bit more!  (Compared to the complete junk we have been eating and the negative amounts of activity, we should both be skinny little minnies in no time!)  :)

The important part of this blog post:

Mrs. Brown's Christmassy Wish List:

1. Pioneer Woman Cookbook (or just a day to hang out with the PW and cook and laugh)
2. Ugg Boots.  Pleeeeeease someone just get me Ugg boots this year!  Or new fake ones.  Either is fine.  Really both would be best. 
3. A million bucks to spend on clothes and college loans and stuff.
4. A new scarf.
5. One of those funny warm hats with the ear flaps.
6. All my friends in one place.
7. A sparkly dress for New Years Eve (preferably gold.  I'm really into gold right now.  And its apparently really in this season). 
8. A new purse/bag (mine is just fallin apart).
9. A gym membership for next semester and some new socks to wear to work out in (I just love new socks). 
10. Petee wanted me to say he would really like a little Burberry scarf to wear outside this winter. 

Merry 29 days until Christmas! 

Wait, Thanksgiving hasn't already come and gone?

I bought our first little Christmas tree and a few ornaments yesterday.   We are going to do a little cleaning and decorating today so when we come back from Nick's grandma and grandpa's it will be all ready for the best first Christmas season ever!  I don't usually get this excited about the pre-Christmas and decorating and all the hype, but for some reason this year I am just so excited!  Maybe because with December comes finally finishing and a real break and I am so pumped for that!  I am also pumped to be getting paid for working all day again... Ohhh student teaching...

Anyway, I hope to post some pictures of our little Christmas-y apartment at some point, mostly for my own memory's sake.  It is just so fun to look back through the blogs and pictures and see what has happened and changed over time!  I love to journal.

PS.  My three-month hiatus from healthy living is about to come to a close.  My body is just ready to get back to being active and healthy after so much laziness, stress, and bad food choices.  Meal planning and the rec, here I come! 

I am just ready for what is next.  The light at the end of the tunnel is almost here!  :)

Alive.

This weekend I remembered where it is that I truly feel alive.  It is hard for me to comprehend a life without Christ in it, and because of a multitude of factors, including my upbringing and surmounting blessings, I count myself very lucky for the faith that tends to come as a natural reaction, one that makes sense (as much sense as faith can make).  I realized this summer that the only time and place I feel alive and free is when I am praising God or sharing with others in the discovery of Him.  I have had a hard semester, but the one thing that remains is God and the fact that I trust HIS plan is supreme, and mine are just... well, mine.  It is a lesson I continue to learn, that my plans and expectations are not typically the same as His, and that lesson is so hard to keep learning.  I don't know how many mornings this semester I have cried out to Him asking what my purpose is, for Him to use me even though I don't feel like I am touching any lives for His glory at all.  My only hope is that, as is typically the case, God is trying to teach me, remind me, to remain in Him, fully, completely, entirely, and that He has got the rest under contol.  I can't, but God CAN.

Also.  I have the number one best husband (and friends and family) on the whole stinking planet.  Let me just list some of the reasons why:

1. PETEE.  In early October Nick surprised me with the best [and most challenging] gift ever.  A puppy!!!!!  He (Petee) has proven to be the msot obnoxious and wonderful present in the world!  We are just enthralled by and in love with that little furball and I am so so so thankful to Nick for getting him for me (us).  It is probably good that people don't actually live with us and see us interacting with Petee on a regular basis, because it is pretty hilarious.  [Embarassing example:  I tend to sing that song from (insert bad movie about Las Vegas HERE) about the "three best friends that anyone could have..." about us.  A lot.  Like most days.  Ba ha ha ha]. 

2.  He has not complained one single time about how disgustingly messy our little home has been for the past few weeks.  I have not had a lick of energy when I get home and have been just struggling to get my stuff for school done each night, and have literally not made dinner or done laundry for... I won't even admit how long.  Let's just say it has been over three weeks since I have been to the grocery store.  Note: that means no fresh produce.  Or milk.  Or bread.  Or turkey for sandwiches.  The list could go on for days.  Needless to say we have eaten a large amount of total junk food and take-out, which is a giant plus in his book, and a huge-mongus negative in mine.  I just took the trash out for this first time in two + weeks.  I am embarassed now for admitting that.  Gross.

3.  He got a bunch of my friends to write me encouraging notes/letters because I have been so down.  If anyone knows anything about me, they should know that encourage-o-grams are like, one of the top ways to warm my heart.  So, Nick being the number one best husband ever that he is, he made that happen.  Heart warmed, spirit lifted, ready to finish strong this semester these next couple weeks (OMG I am finally graduating!!!!!)

4. Even though I am a million percent sure I have gained like 74 pounds this semester and lost all tone I worked so hard for last year pre-wed dress time, he still finds me stunning and sexy and pretty and has no qualms with telling me so on a very regular basis.  (If he could only see me this very second, still in the clothes I slept in, middle of the afternoon, bangs pinned back, smelly... woo-wee, would he be delighted!  ba ha ha, not).

5. All these nights and mornings full of tearful plea's he has continued to encourage me and pray with and for me and remind me of how great that I am and that I am capable and worthy and so many other things.  He is seriously just the best person ever and I am immeasurably lucky to have spent the last six months (today) being married to him, and the last five and a half years of life knowing him.  Praise Jesus for MCC and all the little ways HE brought us together in His time. 

i can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on...

The end is in sight.  I will finally have something to show for the past five and a half years of college. 

9 days until my English Content Exam.
11 schooldays left to teach my unit(s).
11 actual days until our 6 monthiversary!!! <3 
19 days until Thanksgiving break. 
22 more classroom days to teach/observe.
29 days until Dallas and Huskermania!  :)
37 days including weekends until Graduation. 
198 days until Mark and Sarah get married!!!

I have been feeling so bogged down and overwhelmed and I am just so ready for a break.  I am so discouraged and stressed and unfortunately am having a hard time not taking it out on the ones I love most.  Trying so hard to be optimistic and let my joy reign in my life but the negatives are so overwhelming right now... Sometimes I think this is how life can get as a Christian.  We are called to live each day as if it could be our last, renewing that devotion of our whole selves to Christ each and every day, and living so that our joy and servanthood reign supreme in our hearts and being.  Sometimes Satan just gets a little hold of our hearts and sucks some of that joy and causes us to just long for the day when Jesus returns and the troubles of this world pale in comparison to the incredible passionate beauty that is our eternity.  I guess my stress and hardships could be seen in a positive light, as I am constantly reminded that this is not my home, life was not intended to be this difficult, and there is a Heaven without sin or pain or stress that awaits my arrival someday.  Until then, I hope I will continue to lean on God as my strength and trust that He not only has a plan but will also use my struggles to glorify Him and inspire others to love Him more.

Fork in the Road..

I read in my October issue of Real Simple this week of some things that can make you over-tired.  Excess amounts of stress, poor diet and/or lack of exercise, bouts of depression, and so on.  Oh, so that's why I am so tired.  This semester has literally been the very best and the very worst one yet.  Praise the Lord for all the good things is really all I have to say about that one.

I feel like nothing is in my control right now.  My fate, if you will, is in the hands of others in more ways than one.  School.  No matter how well I think I do, ultimately whether I pass or fail (and thus whether or not I pass or fail college in its entirety) is in the hands of other people.  All I can do is continue to do my best and learn and work hard and hope that is enough.  Next year is also out of my hands.  I feel like we are at a crossroads and the next couple years could go in about three directions.  1) A teaching job could magically appear out of nowhere in the midst of budget cuts and firings, and I could actually teach some sort of English class in the fall.  2) If that teaching job does not come, I could finish the three classes of college I have to complete yet a third degree (with still no actual job to show for it), which could lead a number of different ways in and of itself.  3) Nick and I are applying to be the new dorm parents at the girl's dorm at MCC and are really excited about the opportunity that could be.  Right now we are just praying for wisdom and that the right person/people for the job are selected, and that if God does not open that door for us, that another one would open in which we could do ministry as well.  I secretly have always wanted to be the dorm mom, ever since probably my first or second year of college, and see so much how I could be used in that position, but, like I said, am trusting God has a plan not only for me but also the community of Manhattan Christian College and that if Nick and I are supposed to be a part of it, then it will happen, and if not, like I said, I trust he will open doors to do ministry in another way.  Oh, but if we do happen to be selected, I will not teach right away, as the schedule for a teacher (early mornings/nights, lots of planning and paper-grading, large chunk of time commitment required, etc.) is not conducive to sharing the schedule for a dorm mom (later nights, need/want to be on campus at least most of the time, need/want to be involved in campus life and invest in girls, large chunk of time commitment, etc.), but I would still plan on subbing some to stay involved with teaching and continue to develop and build relationships with people in the schools in this area so I would have more ease in finding a teaching job in the future.  I just want to be able to give a hundred percent to whatever I end up doing...

All those things said, I feel just completely out of control and as if I am at a fork in this road of life, and could go any of the three-plus ways and could do great things for the Kingdom in His love... I just want to know which one is right or best for us, and am not doing well at being patient.

I am also about to actually, finally, for real-ly graduate college in just 41 days, including weekends.  OMG, yikes, ptL.

But why?

I am discontent.  I am uncomfortable.  I have been longing for a place I've never known, only heard about.  I get it.  I get that this is how it feels sometimes, that I was created for something greater, that this is not my home.  That this place, this earth will never truly be or feel like home, because it is not, and it never will be.  I hardly take time anymore to long for Heaven, to really yearn to be in the presence of my Lord, to truly be able to worship at His actual throne, but recently I have just felt out of place and so deeply desired to be home. 

I so badly want people to see something in me, to notice I am different, to wonder why I am the way I am, how I can continue to hope, continue to love, continue to try, to want what I have... but it is just so hard.  I miss being surrounded by a group of men and women on a daily basis who want the same things as me.  Who desire to take His name and power to every single strech of this earth, who want to be seen as different, who serve something and someone so much greater than ourselves.  Why is it so hard, once you have tasted and seen, once you have truly experienced what being His is like, what having eternal hope and real peace, what true surrender of power and control can really feel like?  Why, once we have experienced God, do we turn away?  Why do we not let our lives, every pore, every second of every day proclaim the glory we know and have?  Why do we keep it inside, private, secret?  Are we ashamed?  Are we ashamed of peace?  Of joy?  Of true contentment and fulfilment?  What?? 

Why is it so difficult once we leave our home, our safe, comfortable home surrounded by those who want what is best for us, who desire true joy and love for us, who want those same things as us, why is it so hard to live that out and share that with other people?  Why do we allow sinful life to consume us, why do we allow others' emptiness suck us in too?  Why can't we offer the hope we have to them, instead of them bringing us down into their empty, lonely pit? 


"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.  Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."  1 Peter 2:11-12