It's hard to trust God has a plan for my life. Like, I totally believe with my whole self He has a plan to use me, my terrible struggles and my great successes, my deep pain and my insurmountable joys, to use those to maybe someday plant a tiny seed in someone that someday would grow into a true love and relationship with Him, one that would in turn touch and change another, and so on and so on... I truly truly trust with everything in me that He has a plan. Its the waiting. The lack of plan. The right now, that feels so monotonous, so pointless, so meaningless in the large scheme of things. Its the ever popular Waiting Place ol' Theodor Geisel coined in his excellent book.. I am so eager to get on to what is next that I often forget all the good that is that waiting place. The growth. The beauty. The Western Kansas plains between here and the awesome mountains of Colorado. You have to look, sometimes even search to see the awesomeness in the journey, but it is always there. Our amazing God is not just sitting back, waiting for me to "get there" and really "start my life," but He continues to work in and through me despite the seemingly lack of a plan.
I am not very patient. It is hard for me to see past the oerwhelmingly huge staircase to take the first step. I usually see where I am, and where I would like to be, but the middle, the process, the commitment, scares the heck outa me. I could list task upon task, project, idea, and so on that I should/would like to embark upon and am petrified to do because of my fear. I am afraid of what comes with attempting and following through. When I don't finish, heck, when I don't start something, I can't fail at it. I can't lose. I can't get rejected. My fear of failure, imperfection, rejection has escalated to a place of much more control than it should ever have been given. I have allowed myself to lose grasp of the promise we have in Him. "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." -Phil 4:13. "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Eph. 4:20-21.