atop ol' laundry mountain

Holy laundry, Batman!  Listen here, folks, I am THIS close to having ALL clothes clean at one time!  [that is aside from the clothes currently residing on my person, and Nick's as well]  Which would seem like more of an accomplishment if said clean things were folded and put away... err, dangit.  [I feel like it's my junior year of college and I need to move back into the dorms and start hiding my clothes in the closet for job checks...]  But seriously, WHEN WILL THE LAUNDRY EVER GO AWAY?!!  As soon as it is all clean, we will just start wearing it again!  I am moving to a nude beach.  Then we wont need clothes.

All kidding aside, I am looking for someone to hire...to do my house cleaning and cooking and working out and, wait, shoot, nope wont work either.   Ok, ok, all but the working out part.  Will pay in minor cash amounts and cookies.

1/2 marathon training, yikes.  What if I just run a 1/4 marathon?  I could totally do that!  It is so cold here, and running more than like 4-5 miles on a treadmill is just torture!  I was doing really well with my training until last week when it got all nasty and wintry outside again!  Whatttt the heck.


In more disappointing and depressing news, I found out yesterday I have not been selected for yet another position.  I didn't even get an interview.  Now, not to sound conceited, so please do not hear it that way, but I don't know how to handle all this rejection!  Until Christmastime, to my memory,  I had never been not [note: double-negative intentional] selected for a position for which I applied.  I traditionally over-analyze and stress about applying and do not do so without a good amount of confidence that I am a good choice and have a good chance of getting whatever it is.  [that sentence hardly makes sense]  In the past few months, I have come to realize in real life, you have to take risks, put yourself out there, and when you do that, often you fail. 

People, I want a job!  I am the working type!  As much as I thoroughly adore staying home all day with the Petester and doing laundry and baking and such, puh-lease!  That is fantastic for weekends and evenings, even holidays and random days off, but I CANNOT STAY HOME ANYMORE!  I am driving myself insane with loneliness and boredom!  And I love home!  And watching tv and doing nothing!  And Petee!  But it has come to an end.  My love of being bored.  I NEED TO BE TOO BUSY AGAIN.  I NEED THINGS TO PROCRASTINATE.  I NEED TASKS that don't involve Nick making me a list of chores to get done before he comes home from work [see: Dad/Mom circa every single summer day ever.  Me no likey!]

I am trying desperately to see the plan, His plan.  Trying to cling to the hope that I am promised a future, and trying to believe that He will provide for me and for us.  Having faith in God's timing and plan has traditionally come pretty easily for me, but right now, in the darned waiting place, in the patience-demanding place in which rejection seems to be the only thing worth handing out, I struggle to believe that there is anything else out there.  The big picture is oh so small, and today seems to be the only day.

I am trying to believe I am worth hiring, I am worth having on the team, I am worth taking a risk on [as a new teacher], but it continues to get increasingly more difficult.  I believe God is using this season to teach me to trust, to teach me to wait, to teach me to believe, in His power and in his supremacy. 

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Phil 1:6

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" -Matt 6:25-26

thursday is my favorite day...well, besides saturday.

Having a puppy is like having a baby.  Sort of.  The Pete-ster gets to lounge around and snooze all day while Mr. Brown and I are at work (when I work... err, oops), and when it is night/dark outside, he also tends to snooze (only after exitedly playing with us for approximately three minutes...he wears out quick!) as well.  Thus, the goofy little rat thinks the first sign of something closely related to sunlight = time to bounce around and be awake and lick your face and go outside and run around...only to be closely followed by more snoozing once we come back from our morning adventure outside the apartment.  The O-N-L-Y time I will everrrrr say I want a cat, or even cat-like tendencies, is when it comes to this matter.  Why can't the dog let himself outside, do his buisiness, and come back in like a good little kitty cat?  They take care of their issues and don't ask for help!  :)  But taking him for walks is muuchhhhh much more pleasant now that it is not negative a hundred and twenty seven degrees outside in the morning... so I can't really complain! 

Sooo on to more serious issues, at what point do I develop a really crafty niche and get to start selling my handmade goodies on Etsy?  Can you sell cookies on there?  Homemade pizzas?  What about chicken, fixed a plethora of ways?  If I could sell those things, I could make a fortune... No but seriously, maybe if I could start selling something I make, then I could justify staying home all day and doing nothing but watching Food Network and old episodes of Grey's Anatomy!  But for real, do you have to have a baby and/or experience something traumatic (because I want nothing of the sort), then learn to channel all that pent up stress and/or depression into a crafty hobby which your friends comment on when eating supper in your living room and tell you people would pay to have stuff like this, only to take them seriously and post pictures of the stuff you sell on your blog about your cute little life, getting so busy and popular you can support your stay-at-home-wife/mom-life and live happily ever after?  [longest run-on sentence everrr]. Can't I just take my regular ol' life experiences and channel those into crafting?  But seriouslyyyy, when do I get to become cute and creative and make stuff and sell it to people who want to be cute and cool and trendy just like me?  [NOTE: I am neither cool nor trendy.  The jury is still out on "cute".] 

I am in no way mocking nor making fun of mom-blogging or selling crafts on Etsy.  I WANT TO DO IT TOO!  I am officially on the hunt to find something original and creative and make it in bulk to sell to others!  [If only doodles and bubble letters would work... now that is something I can really hang my hat on!  Dangit...] 

Oh but speaking of traumatic events, I consumed approximately half a bag of milk chocolate chips last night, err, oops?  I blame my social life for consumed calories, definitely not my lack of self-control or love of chocolate or anything... Darn you swimsuit season looming over my head...darn your beach vacation rapidly approaching... darn you delicious foods for having so many calories!!! 


Sheesh.  My life is so complex.  :)

In other news, I applied for another teaching job yesterday.  I would be THRILLED to get this one, and really think I could be excited about going to work every day here.  Praying for God's will in my life to be done overall, and for understanding and wisdom if it doesn't work out.  Hoping I can remember He has a plan and He is in control. 

“Abraham, Abraham!”  … “Do not lay your hand on the lad or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.” Genesis 22:11b-12 

irrational.

Let me just admit something to ya:  I am a crazy and irrational psycho.  Like, sometimes I just feel bad for Nick because I am so insane!  I can try to blame hormones or being a woman or stress or whatever, but I really just think I am a complete nutso most of the time! 

Ugh. 

it's the little things.

As I sit here, eating my giant bowl of fro-yo, fruit, and walnuts, ignoring the need to finish yet another semi-complete application to another job, my sweet puppy by my side, I thank the Lord for all my blessings.

these are a few of my favorite things

Some days I have a hard time finding joy.  Today is one of those days.  [insert WHY]... Because I am down, I look to a few things that always make me happy.  I know happiness DNE joy, and the terms are not used interchangebly or synonymously, but, when I am happy, it is easier to see the real joy I have.

I'll just make a little list [some things very lame, I know]:

1. When someone tells me my hair looks long/good.  Ooook, now, we know I am too vain and concerned with how I look, and how self conscious I am about my hair... but seriously, when someone tells me my hair is looking good it just means so much to me!  Like, seriously, you caught the only good day this week!  You should have seen the messy bun and stringy ponytail all five other days!  Oh and, of course I am always trying to grow my hair out, so telling me it looks long is so encouraging!  Ha ha!  One thing for which I am so so thankful, Nick is always telling me how pretty and soft my hair is.  He knows how to get to my heart ;)

2. When I make time to read my Bible and journal.  Shoot, you would think with all the joy that brings, with all the peace and energy I get from being spiritually fed, from pursuing the God that is pursuing me, that I would be better about doing it.  You would think that knowing, having experienced the closeness that comes from being filled with His Word on a daily basis, would propel me to do it more often.  I have been doing better, trying to create a part of my daily routine that involves tending to my spiritual health more than just squeezing in a rushed prayer in the car on the way to work.  I so deeply desire for my vocabulary, conversation, interactions to be filled with the scriptures, for His Words to be so familiar and natural to me that it exudes from the outpouring of a an overflowing heart.  I yearn for the wisdom that is found in His truths.

3. Hanging out with my parents!  Is that lame?  Haha.  I consider myself so blessed to have the parents I do and love being able to spend time with them.  I love love love my momma and usually talk to her at least once a day on the phone (is that bad for someone who is going to be 25 this year???).  I just think my mom is so wise and fun and knows so much about life and living and loving and can offer me such unique, special encouragement whenever I need it.  It is so great to be able to shift into adult mother and daughter relationship and be friends too.  And my dad is one of the wisest and smartest men I will ever know.  Part of that of course comes from the superhero he was to me as a little girl, and still shines through as I am grown-up (haha, not) and still need him to swoop in and rescue me from time to time.  He is so special to me and I deeply treasure our relationship.  [Now, I also have been beyond blessed as I also have the best in-laws known to mankind as well!]

4. The best friends in the whole world.  I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky.   Even as friends here in Manhattan have graduated and moved on from this place, I have been SO blessed to build more and more relationships with people here.  I thank God for keeping me here for so long, as there are so many friends, friends I want to keep forever, that I would not have if He hadn't!  That is not to mention the friends that are not here in Man, Kan!  I am beyond blessed to have friends across the country and wish we all lived in the same two-hour radius and could be BFF's all at the same time and place!

5.  Nick.R.Brown.  Mmm yahhhh.  Daily I thank God for a man who truly gets me (although he may not think so) and knows how to challenge me, encourage me, push me, and love me enough to make me want to be better.  I can't even express how lucky I am and how perfect he is (in so many imperfect ways].

6.  And Petee.  Best dog in the whole world.

And see, now my mood is lifted, I am going to clean the living room and go on a run!  (I am training for a 1/2 marathon which is in 7 weeks... not that I'm counting or anything...!  Doing a 10K aka 6.4 miles this Saturday with my momma... hopefully no snow and all sunny skies!)

"I thank my God every time I remember you..."

count it all joy

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

 "For Paul, joy is not the result of finding himself in comfortable circumstances, but of seeing the gospel make progress through his circumstances and through the circumstances of the Philippians, whatever they might be (1:18, 2:17)."

"Thus his imprisonment is not simply a result of his Christian commitment, but is the necessary means through which Paul fulfills his calling.”


God put Paul IN PRISON and he rejoiced.  He saw through his circumstances that the Lord was at work through him and through the Philippian people, the other believers.  Paul continued to preach his message, regardless of what the people thought, said, or did to him, and many were saved because of it!  I have no physical chains, but pray I can use the things that hinder me and hold me back as an avenue to share my amazing God with others.  Praying God will open doors, even today, for me to be used for His purpose and for the praise of His glory!

I am truly hungry for Christ to fill me up with the Word today, hoping that hunger will propel me through today with eyes, heart, and mind set only on fulfilling my purpose: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matt. 28:19-20
 

Lost for Words.

So often I find myself with so much to say but no way to say it.  My mind and heart exploding with confusion, discontent, searching, impatience, but no way to spit out or even fully comprehend the extent to which I am even feeling those things and why.  Seeking God's direction and leading for our life and ministry, trying to be patient and wait on His timing.  Trying to put into practice the truths I claim to cling to. 


"Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD." -Ps 27:14