I am discontent. I am uncomfortable. I have been longing for a place I've never known, only heard about. I get it. I get that this is how it feels sometimes, that I was created for something greater, that this is not my home. That this place, this earth will never truly be or feel like home, because it is not, and it never will be. I hardly take time anymore to long for Heaven, to really yearn to be in the presence of my Lord, to truly be able to worship at His actual throne, but recently I have just felt out of place and so deeply desired to be home.
I so badly want people to see something in me, to notice I am different, to wonder why I am the way I am, how I can continue to hope, continue to love, continue to try, to want what I have... but it is just so hard. I miss being surrounded by a group of men and women on a daily basis who want the same things as me. Who desire to take His name and power to every single strech of this earth, who want to be seen as different, who serve something and someone so much greater than ourselves. Why is it so hard, once you have tasted and seen, once you have truly experienced what being His is like, what having eternal hope and real peace, what true surrender of power and control can really feel like? Why, once we have experienced God, do we turn away? Why do we not let our lives, every pore, every second of every day proclaim the glory we know and have? Why do we keep it inside, private, secret? Are we ashamed? Are we ashamed of peace? Of joy? Of true contentment and fulfilment? What??
Why is it so difficult once we leave our home, our safe, comfortable home surrounded by those who want what is best for us, who desire true joy and love for us, who want those same things as us, why is it so hard to live that out and share that with other people? Why do we allow sinful life to consume us, why do we allow others' emptiness suck us in too? Why can't we offer the hope we have to them, instead of them bringing us down into their empty, lonely pit?
"Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." 1 Peter 2:11-12